California love!

California has a special place in my heart. I served in the California Roseville mission (north of Sacramento to the Oregon/California border) 1,000 years ago, and although impartial to the redwood trees and NoCal feel, I have grown to love SoCal as well. 

My parents know of my love for Cali and knew I needed a respite/a getaway/a reset. They booked a 5 day trip for my mom and I without my knowledge. It was what I needed and I am truly humbled and grateful for their love, patience, and understanding. 

You see, I'm not easy to love right now; but, they continue to support me and haven't given up on me. My life has made some unexpected terms and I'm blindly grasping for every ounce of hope I can find. I'd be lost without them . . . a

statement I can make both literally and figuratively. Thank you, mom and dad, for all you have done and continue to do for me. And mom, thank you for wrapping your arms around my prickly exterior this last week. I will always need you: 

"She makes broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. She walks with the Universe on her shoulders and makes it look like a pair of wings." -Ariana Dancu

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Happy Birthday Beckerman!

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This is my brave ...

I came across a quote recently that speaks volumes. I realized that I have to include the bad (or difficult) parts of me in addition to the good. If not, I'm cheating my true self. The interpretation, of course, is different for all of us, but I think it is safe to say that our flaws and failures are just as much a part of us as our good attributes and achievements. I don't know if it is acceptance, a swallowing of pride, or a recognition of growth. I just know I can't demand the warmth of the sun without acknowledging my shadow: "You never realize how much of your background is sewn into the lining of your clothes." -Tom Wolfe 

I am in love with the power words hold. 

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Tuesdays with my boy. And yes, I bought him a purple cow with a squeaky hot pink udder!

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A year ago . . .

A year ago today, we let go of Mia. I have so many things I want to say, but the quote over the picture of Mia and the one in this post do a good job of summing up a lot of what I'm feeling. I'd be lying if I said this last year has been easy; It has been a bit rough but I'm trying to find and focus on the good. I'm trying to move forward. "Sometimes we make the mistake of equating the depth of our love with the depth of our pain in grief. Folks can convince themselves that if they let go of the grief, they are forgetting and dishonoring the memory of their animal pal and the relationship they had. Our animals are not asking that – they are asking us to move forward, as they have" (Roper, Janet. "The Anniversary Reaction: Grieving Your Pet,." Web log post. janetroper.com. N.p., 24 Apr. 2014. Web. 9 July 2017.) I miss you Mia . . . . to the 🌙 and back! from Instagram

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Change Requires Effort

I love this beautiful message from Maya Angelou. "You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud. Do not complain. Make every effort to change things you do not like. If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution." 

I have found that reacting with poise and grace don't always come naturally for me. I have always assumed that wisdom and patience were synonymous with experience and the aging process, but I have either not reached that potential or my assumption was off. Either way, I've decided that getting from A to Z requires trudging through 24 additional letters and, therefore, it may be best to simplify my outlook with three words- Change requires effort. The fact that these three words can be used as both nouns and verbs (and adjectives, adverbs, etc.) is a bit daunting and may just be challenge enough; however, if I can keep it simple, I may just find myself wringing out the water in someone else's dark cloud.

When in winter . . .

The first winter storm

Holds moments to behold

As each graceful flake

Bathes in city lights' glow

The sidewalks fall empty

Streets darken like coal

Quiet whispers of angels

Lie in each bed of snow.

-T.B. Williams

A dimmed light

The weight of darkness
Vanishes in light
A light spring in step
Replaces the aching fight

Run down through the meadow
Let your fingers touch the grass
Sing with symphonies of birds
Watch the river trickle past

Look up to the blue
And cotton stuffed sky
Mimic movements of clouds
As they slowly stretch by

Let the sunshine give kisses
Warming your face and your soul
Breathe in the fresh air
Wiggle each finger and toe

Remember these moments
Remember them all
For tomorrow you'll go back
Tomorrow you'll fall.

T.B. Williams 11/2016

Finding Joy in the Journey

This quote by Elder Scott has been a source of comfort during some very difficult times. Each time I read it, I find comfort knowing we are here to learn and to grow. That knowledge is also the reason I love this painting. Both the excerpt and the illustration remind me that we're not alone and that we can overcome and find strength in our Father's love.
I am currently struggling with some overwhelming adversity. The details are not important, especially because we all bear personal Gethsemanes. In the early morning hours, I found myself unable to sleep. I opened my scriptures and saw the quote. As I read it, I realized I had not read the entire talk for quite some time. I pulled up the conference talk online and re-read it, looking for answers to some concerns and frustrations. 

A specific paragraph really caught my attention and I felt peace as I looked over it multiple times: "When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “'Please let me know Thy will'” and “'May Thy will be done,'” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father." 
I've been so angry and frustrated with myself and my circumstances that I have been asking the wrong questions. A change in the way I think, act, and pray just might be the strength I need to continue on. Life is NOT easy; however, I believe we can, and will, find joy in the journey when we remember who we are and why we are here. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but I know I'm not alone and that makes all the difference.

A Perfect Little Storm

I trip amid the darkness
Down steps of dense despair
I drown in hopeless waters
Grasping bubbles filled with air
No final depth was found
Nor floating to the top
A sand-filled hourglass           

Moves like minutes on a clock
Fatigue saps my strength 
Widened eyes wish to close
While pressure builds a path
From deaf ears into my nose
As quick as lighting flashes
Water leaves my pooling lungs 
Grabbed by ankles I'm above
As air finds my wanton tongue
Clenched teeth begin to break
I am back into the black
Like a dam holding water
Full of tiny little cracks
Few dominoes are left
Falling perfectly in form
This hell I live holds fury
To a perfect little storm.
-T.B. Williams 

Missing You

Missing You

I stood by your bed last night, 
I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. 
You found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly 
as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, 
I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”
I was close to you at breakfast, 
I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times 
your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today. 
Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, 
I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today, 
You tend it with such care. 
I want to re-assure you, 
that I’m not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, 
as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, 
I smiled and said “It’s me.”
You looked so very tired, 
and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, 
that I was standing there.
It’s possible for me to be 
so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, 
“I never went away.”
You sat there very quietly, 
then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, 
I was very close to you.
The day is over… 
I smile and watch you yawning
and say “Good-night, God bless, 
I’ll see you in the morning.”
And when the time is right 
for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you 
and we’ll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, 
there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, 
live your journey out… 
then come home 
to be with me.  
– Colleen Fitzsimmons

Over the years, when I would think about losing Mia, I knew it would be difficult and therefore did not sit on that thought process for long. When she went blind two years ago and fell into keto acidosis, I was suddenly faced with the possibility of losing her. She fought hard to stay here and because of her miraculous rebound, her eye surgery went better than the surgeon anticipated. The healing process took time, but Mia patiently let us fill her eyes with drop after drop of medication. Up until the time of her death, she was still receiving three different types of drops each day. 

Sadly, her health continued to deteriorate. In fact, I think she was sick much longer than we will ever know. I keep thinking about how hard she fought to be with us and how difficult it must have been to lie there each day with pain and nausea. She gave us two more years of love before her little body could no longer fight. Her love and loyalty never wavered, even when I know she must have been miserable. That kind of unconditional love was, and is, almost unbelievable. I am still in awe of such a tender mercy. 

I miss her terribly. Everywhere I look, I see her. Different smells and sounds remind me of her. I miss her nightly barking as she waited for a furry friend to respond. I long for the times when her sass was in full force. I loved the way her nails clicked on the wooden floor. I miss hearing the dog door as she went in and out of the house. I miss watching how much she loved our drives around the neighborhood; she loved putting her head out the window as she took in the smells and sights. I miss her obsession with the ducks and geese at the lake. I yearn for her barking at the birds that tried to share her pond and our "field trips" to see the elk, bison, horses, and shetland ponies; she had so much to say every time, so I would drive slowly and stop every now and then so that she could get a good look. I love how much she loved drinking from the hose. I miss her sitting on the front porch and beneath the shade of the tree in her backyard. I miss her "woo, woo, woo's" and her "blowing air out of her nose" when she was frustrated and/or irritated.I love that she had no shame as she'd roll onto her back and spread her legs in anticipation of a belly rub. I miss her beautiful brown eyes, her long eyelashes, her warm ears, her calloused paws, and the way she wagged her tail. She was, she is, perfect. She is love. She is my beloved. 

Fields the Color of Love

My mind has become an intangible library of sorts; in fact, I'm pretty sure there is some comprehensive card cataloging going on. (I'm not sure my brain can handle the upgraded online access technology so I'm sticking to the old school technique.) 
Each card, or entry, is different depending upon level of importance and/or necessity. These cards, or informative entities, tend to leave a bookmark or footnote in the deep recesses of my mind and patiently await rediscovery. 
Occasionally, when I see a spectacular sunset, smell gently kissed flowers after rain, or hear crickets perform their nightly symphony, my covert card catalog starts to rummage through these ideas and indices. Every now and then, those hidden bookmarks jump back into action and remind me that the sunset I'm gazing upon has a beautiful passage of text that is the perfect fit. This process is, oxymoronically, nothing short of chaotic bliss.
This very process, this series of events, happened the other night. Not only was I viewing a breathtaking masterpiece, I was also reliving the masterful words of a brilliant author. Maybe this clandestine card catalog and its chaotic bliss is not a bad thing after all . . .
(Sometimes I can't help myself when it comes to alliteration. Annoying? Yes. Fun to do? Yes. Obsessed? Probably.)

What are you capable of?

Self-discovery/Man's Search For Meaning (A must read by Viktor Frankl)/Who am I?/Why am I here?/What's my purpose in life?/etc. have been topics of discussion since the beginning of mandkind. 
How those questions are answered depend on the individual. Some find answers through religious beliefs while others find peace on a private level. However the means by which you discover your sense of self, I believe there is a common thread- the element of surprise. 

We have all had a moment or moments when we rise to the occasion and discover a hidden dose of additional strength. We see a capability in ourselves that we did not know existed until an opportunity presented itself; many times we don't recognize what we accomplished until the battle has been won.
Human beings are capable of far more than deemed imaginable. Maybe we are caught up in finding the negative and/or unwanted parts that reside within us. Maybe we're afraid of loss and failure and therefore refrain from expanding our horizons and discovering a bit more about ourselves. I know that I fear the unknown, but I also know that right now is a good time to dig in and find the person I know I can be. Maybe, just maybe, if we all allowed ourselves a glimpse of our inner strength, we'd see less inhumanity and hatred in the world. We may not be able to stop all of the bad from happening, but if we can add a bit of sunshine to another's rainy day, we will have helped someone see the good that lies within.

Write on

"A writer is a person who cares what words mean, what they say, how they say it. Writers know words are their way towards truth and freedom, and so they use them with care, with thought, with fear, with delight. By using words well they strengthen their souls. Story-tellers and poets spend their lives learning that skill and art of using words well. And their words make the souls of their readers stronger, brighter, deeper." - Ursula K. Le Guin 

(Side note: @greenbai_packers found the books in this photo for me a few years ago. They are a 1901 hardcover, hand-bound collection of Shakespeare's works. He knows me well.)

Numbers Numbing Words

If I ever have the opportunity of publishing my work, I will use a pen name. JK Rowling did not use her first name, Joanne, because her publisher wanted to make sure that men and/or young boys would purchase and read the Harry Potter Series. 
Anyway, I am currently considering T.B. Williams as my nom de plume and have used it a few times on poetry and prose and on blogs and other forms of social media. The photo below has a poem I wrote that contains deep significance. I know that no one will read this post, but I'll put it out into the universe nonetheless. 

Equal Play, Equal Pay

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN WHO PLAY SOCCER, YOU NEED TO READ THIS. AFTER YOU'VE READ IT, TELL YOUR SON THAT IF (OR WHEN ) HE MAKES THE UNITED STATES MEN'S SOCCER TEAM, HE'LL EARN $68,000. THEN, TURN TO YOUR DAUGHTER AND TELL HER THAT IF (OR WHEN) SHE MAKES THE UNITED STATES WOMEN'S SOCCER TEAM, SHE WILL RECEIVE $15,000. GO AHEAD. I DARE YOU. I DARE YOU TO IGNITE THAT SPARK. CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE PEOPLE. CHANGES NEED TO BE MADE . . . .

There are differences between men and women when it comes to athletics. As a female who grew up playing sports, I was very aware that my performance on the court or the field did not matter in the eyes of most people. I learned to play because I loved the game and stopped counting the number of spectators in the stands. However, times are changing and, therefore, changes need to be made.
Last summer, the USWNT won the World Cup in Canada. I watched every game and loved every minute of it. The final match between USA v Japan was the most watched football match in US history. 764 billion people watched that match on television with me. Another 86 million viewers globally accessed that match on computers or mobile devices.
In the Men's 2014 World Cup in Brazil, the US Men's Team made it to the round of sixteen before losing. They received $9 million dollars from the US Soccer Federation. In the Women's World Cup in 2015, the US won the World Cup. They received $2 million dollars from the US Soccer Federation.  

If the US Women's Soccer team can shatter TV ratings, all of their hard work, dedication, and sacrifice deserve to be awarded. The number of fans who enjoy watching women's soccer has increased exponentially. I may have stopped counting the number of people in the stands as a young female athlete, but my dream of playing with the great Mia Hamm was just that- a dream. I think it is time to start counting the spectators in the stands because these women deserve to be treated fairly. I BELIEVE in #EQUALPLAY #EQUALPAY!

I would have sucked as a bonnet wearing, huge dress swaying, latrine digging, river washing woman.

Top 10 reasons I was not a pilgrim:
1. Electricity
2. Running water
3. Appliances (washer, dryer, fridge, oven, microwave, etc.)
4. Flushing toilets/plumbing
5. Shampoo/ soap/ toothpaste/ toothbrush/ feminine products
6. Shelter
7. Beds/pillows/blankets
8. Jeans and t-shirts
9. Automobiles (however, the pilgrims probably never dealt with traffic)
10. Coca-Cola
Bonus reason: The Crucible (I'm 99.9% positive I would have hung.)
I would have sucked as a bonnet wearing, huge dress swaying, latrine digging, river washing woman.
The sad truth is that there are things on my list that are unknown to so many. I take for granted the fact that I can flip a switch and have light, turn a handle for water, and have food for every meal. I can read. I went to school. I can vote. I can speak out in public. To know that I take so much for granted is something I need to change. 
There are millions of women my age who no nothing of comfort or security. They are abused, tossed aside, and forgotten. This holiday season, my wish is that somehow, someway, I can make a difference.

Cadence, Rhythm, Melody

when i am LOST in the letters and words of writing, i FIND a cadence that allows the rhythm and melody to take form in syllable and sound. when it is finished, when my writing has become a symphony, i can almost hear the conductor set his baton on the stand just before he turns to the audience and takes a bow.-T.B. Williams

Side note: Out of Print is one of my FAVORITE stores. Their mission: "As the landscape of how we read and experience literature continues to change, Out of Print is dedicated to celebrating our favorite stories while promoting literacy in underserved communities.

Each product sold donates a book to a community in need through our charity partner, Books For Africa. It also supports the authors, publishers and artists who made these iconic works an integral part of our lives."

Life Changing and Thought Provoking

10 Must Read/Life Changing/Thought Provoking Books:
1. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee 
(Equality vs. Discrimination /Justice vs. Vilification/ Humanity vs. Cruelty . . . My favorite book of all time.)
2. Lord Of The Flies by William Golding
(Discovering the "real" you)
3.The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
(A contemporary parable)
4.The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
(Anti-Slavery/Pro Friendship)
5.Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
(Two words- Gilbert Blythe)
6.Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom
(A refreshing outlook on life and death)
7.Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl
(Surviving, overcoming, and then making a difference)
8.Of Mice And Men by John Steinbeck
(The true cost of protecting those we love)
9. Cry, The Beloved Country by Alan Paton
(Tearing people and families 'apart'heid)
10. A Long Way Gone: Memoirs Of A Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah
(Loss of innocence/ humanity rediscovered)

These books are so good you'll forget you are actually reading: They taste like chocolate malts topped with whipped cream; They sound like the strum of an acoustic guitar. They feel like sun on your face after a long, cold winter. They look like strawberry milk skies at the end of the day. They smell like freshly bloomed lilacs after rain in the spring. Let your senses discover . . .